School Incidents: What Parents Can Do

An alert from school about an online incident can feel stressful. You might feel worried, angry, embarrassed, protective, or unsure what has happened.

Take a breath before acting. Your young person may have been harmed, caused harm, shared something, witnessed it, reported it, or been caught up in something that is still unfolding.

Right now, focus on:

keeping everyone safe
stopping the harm spreading
helping your young person be honest
working with the school process.

You do not need to solve everything tonight. The school will lead the school response.

Is anyone unsafe right now?

Call 111 if anyone is in immediate danger or at risk of serious harm.

If there is no immediate danger, focus on calming things down and stopping further harm.

Take a breath

Pause before you're tempted to message, post, forward or contact anyone. Consider what you know for sure, what you're guessing, and if your next action could help or make things worse.

Try not to:

forward screenshots or links
post about it in parent chats or on social media
name students, staff or families online
contact another young person directly
pressure your young person to show you harmful content
ask friends or other parents for more screenshots
encourage your young person to reply, defend themselves or 'sort it out' online.

It can be helpful to keep a record of what has happened through screenshots and URLs (weblinks) of content.

If there are intimate images or videos of another person, extreme violence, or gruesome content involved, do not record, open, save, delete or share it. Some content may be illegal or objectionable to possess or share.

Contact Netsafe for free and confidential advice about what to do next.

Talk about it

You do not need to know whether your young person is 'the victim', 'in trouble', or 'just involved'. Their role may not be clear yet, so use the same calm approach whatever has happened.

You might say:

“I’m glad I know something has happened. I’m going to stay calm and listen first. We need to understand enough to keep people safe and work with the school.”

Then ask:

“What happened?”
“Where did it happen?”
“Who else knows?”
“Is anything still being shared or talked about?”
“Is anyone unsafe, threatened, embarrassed or under pressure?”
“What have you already done?”
“What are you worried might happen next?”
“What do you need from me tonight?”

Then say:

“We do not have to fix everything right now. We're here to support you, and work out what the school needs to know.”

Validating your young person’s feelings does not mean excusing harmful behaviour.

It helps them stay calm enough to be honest, accept support and take responsibility where needed.

Support is available

When something has gone wrong online, it can help to remember that two things can be true at the same time:

- Your young person may need support, and they may need to take responsibility.

- You may feel upset, and you can still respond calmly.

- You may not know the full story yet, and you can still take a safe next step.

- Someone else may have been hurt, and your young person still needs you to help them through this.

You do not have to work this out alone.

For online harm advice or help with what to do next, contact Netsafe.

Let the school lead the incident process

Not sure why the school is involved if it happened after hours? Read: When online harm follows your child to school.

The school may need time to understand what has happened.

They may need to:

check student safety and wellbeing
speak with more than one young person
work out whether content is still spreading
involve senior staff, pastoral staff, Netsafe or Police
decide what can and cannot be shared with families
support harmed students
respond to behaviour fairly
make a plan for school tomorrow

You may not get every detail straight away. This does not always mean nothing is happening. Schools need to protect privacy, safety and fairness while they work through the incident.

You can ask the school:

“Who is leading the response?”
“Is my young person safe to be at school?”
“What do you need from us tonight?”
“What should my young person stop doing now?”
“When will you update us next?”
“Who should my young person go to at school if more happens?”

What you can do at home today

At home, focus on the next safe step.

Help your young person:

stop posting, replying, reacting or forwarding
step away from harmful chats where safe
avoid discussing the incident online
write down basic details if needed, such as platform, username, date and time
tell you or the school if more happens
make a calm plan for school tomorrow.

You might say:

“We’re not going to feed this tonight. No replies, no checking the chat over and over, no asking for screenshots. Let’s make a plan and let the school process happen.”

Focus on keeping communication open at home, following school guidance, and letting the school know if anything new happens. Let your child know that they can tell you if anything changes, that you will stay calm, and you will work through it with the school.

What to expect next

Most school incidents are not resolved instantly.

Today - Focus on safety, stopping spread, one calm conversation, and sharing key information with the school.
Next school day - The school may gather information, check safety, speak with students, support those affected, and decide what needs to happen next.
Next few days - The school may continue follow-up, communicate next steps, put support or safety plans in place, and respond to behaviour through its usual process.
Later - Your young person may need support to repair harm, rebuild trust, return to school confidently, or make a safer plan for next time.

Need help starting the conversation?

Try the Ready to Talk online safety conversation guide. Build your confidence to speak about online safety, practise how to respond to different scenarios, and get ready to take the next step together with your young person.

Get ready to talk

Support your young person

You may find that your young person has played more than one role in a digital incident.

Start with safety, dignity and reassurance.

They may feel embarrassed, scared, angry, ashamed or worried they will be blamed.

You might say:

“I’m really glad someone knows. You do not have to handle this alone.”

Help them to:

tell you if they are safe right now
say whether they are being threatened or pressured
say whether anything is still being shared
ask for help before going back to school
block, mute or report with support, if appropriate

Try not to:

make them tell the story over and over
ask lots of people for more details
take over without checking what support they need

Listen first. Then work out the next safe step with the school.

Start with calm accountability.

Stay calm enough that they can tell the truth. Accountability works best when it is clear, firm and focused on behaviour. Shame can make young people hide, blame others or leave things out.

You might say:

“I care about you, and we still need to take responsibility for what happened.”

Help them to:

stop posting, reacting, commenting or forwarding
avoid deleting anything before getting advice
avoid contacting the harmed person unless the school says it is safe
be honest about what was sent, where it went and who saw it
understand that repair may take time

Try not to:

shame them
decide the outcome before the school process
arrange direct contact with the harmed person yourself
focus only on punishment instead of behaviour change

The outcome is not already decided; the school may need to respond, but it still needs to follow a fair process.

Start with what they do next.

Young people can add to harm even when they did not start it.

You might say:

“You may not have started this, but what you do next still matters.”

Help them to:

stop sharing, reacting or commenting
leave or mute harmful chats where safe
report the content or ask an adult for help
tell the school what they know
ask Netsafe or the school what to do with saved content before deleting or sharing it.

Try not to:

minimise it as “just watching”
let them keep checking for updates
let them ask friends for screenshots
assume they knew how to leave the situation safely.

This is about helping your young person become part of stopping the harm, not spreading it further.

Action at home

Assess what practical issues you need to manage tonight.

If the school says your young person is distressed, unsafe, the incident is still spreading, or a safety plan is needed, then your aim to stay calm, contain the situation and work out a plan for tomorrow.

Ask:

What should stop now?
Do they need help stepping away from a chat or person?
Do they need a calm plan for school tomorrow?
Who can they go to if more happens?
Do you need Netsafe advice about what is safe to open, record, report or share?

Try not to:

solve everything tonight
keep questioning them once they are overwhelmed
let the incident take over the whole evening
send them back into the online space to check what is happening.

Start with safety, then support the next right step.

If the incident involves a phone, laptop, school device, personal account, group chat, gaming server, shared folder or platform, then your aim is to reduce contact, stop escalation and make the online space safer.

A device, account or app may be part of the incident. That does not mean it is the root problem. Keep the focus on behaviour and harm.

You might say:

“This is not about taking everything away. It is about stopping the harm while we work out the next safe step.”

Do:

mute a chat
leave a group chat where safe
block or restrict a harmful account
report content
turn off comments or replies
change privacy settings
take a supported pause from one app or chat
agree not to discuss the incident online.

Try not to:

remove all digital access as the only response
force your young person to open harmful content
ask them to log into someone else’s account or device
let them keep monitoring the incident alone

Disengaging does not usually mean removing all digital access. It means reducing contact, stopping escalation and making the online space safer.

If screenshots, posts, messages, videos or rumours are still moving around then your aim is to stop feeding the spread.

Say:

“We are not going to feed this tonight. No replies, no checking the chat over and over, no asking friends for screenshots. Let’s make a plan.”

Help your young person to:

stop replying, reacting, forwarding or commenting
stop asking friends for updates
step away from harmful chats where safe
tell the school if more is being shared
record digital evidence
ask Netsafe before opening, saving, deleting or sharing harmful content.

Try not to:

forward screenshots or links
post in parent chats
name students or staff online
contact another young person directly
ask to see harmful content
ask your young person to open someone else’s account or device.

If they shut down, deny everything, panic, cry, get angry or will not talk, then your aim is to keep the door open.

Say:

“We do not have to talk about every detail right now. I need to know you are safe, and we can take the next step with the school.”

Do:

check immediate safety
give them time to calm down
stay nearby and available
ask one or two essential questions only
let the school know if they are too distressed to talk.

Try not to:

turn the first conversation into an interrogation
demand the whole story immediately
threaten consequences before you understand what happened
assume refusal to talk means they do not care.

A young person who feels trapped, ashamed or frightened may need time before they can be honest.

What comes later, once things have settled?

These steps matter, but they usually come after the immediate safety and school response.

If the school says repair may be appropriate then your aim is to support safe, honest repair that does not pressure the person harmed.

An apology can help, but only when it is safe, genuine and does not put pressure on the person harmed.

Do not arrange direct contact or apology yourself unless the school says this is safe and appropriate.

Help your young person to:

understand the impact
cooperate with the school
accept consequences where needed
focus on what needs to change next
write an apology the school can pass on safely, if appropriate

A useful apology might sound like:

“I shared something I should not have shared. I understand it caused harm. I am sorry. I will not contact you directly or talk about this online. I will cooperate with the school.”

Try to avoid apologies that sound like:

“I’m sorry you felt that way.”
“I was only joking.”
“Everyone else did it too.”
“I apologised, so you have to forgive me.”

Repair may take time; the goal is not to make the incident disappear. The goal is to acknowledge harm, support safety and help your young person make a better choice next time.

If the immediate situation has settled and your young person is ready to reflect then your aim is to rebuild safety, trust and better habits.

After an incident, access may need to be paused, narrowed or rebuilt, as this may help a harmed young person feel safer online. It may also help a young person who caused harm rebuild trust and practise safer behaviour.

This is not about taking everything away. It is about matching access to the skills, support and safety your young person needs right now.

You might say:

“This is not about punishment. It is about rebuilding safety, trust and better habits.”

You might agree together to:

take a supported pause from one app, chat or platform
keep some notifications off for a while
avoid a harmful group chat
check in before rejoining a space
practise asking for help earlier
review privacy, blocking and reporting settings with you
use a family agreement to reset expectations around privacy, kindness, help-seeking and group chats

Ask later: